Imagine this, you’re ten years old ready to start your fifth year of elementary school when a brick wall hits you; Depression, I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was ten years old, that’s what started the mental cocktail that would set the rest of my life…well until now.
Growing up was different for me I constantly struggled to find my identity even at a young age, whereas those around me are just now trying to find their niche or “aesthetic” i’ve been trying to find that for me since as long as I can remember, I feel like I never fit any mold in the wise words of Lana Del Rey “No moral compass pointing due north, no fixed personality, just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide and waving as the ocean.”
Growing up like this I was constantly fighting with myself, and what’s even worse is I had no idea how to explain it I was too young to articulate the inner struggle I was going through, so I did the only thing I could do and that was to lash out, I lashed out by arguing with my teachers fighting with other students not caring about my school work and just being the worst kid you could imagine, finally my parents gave up trying to fix the issue themselves and proceeded to put me into therapy, it took awhile finding the right therapist for me and honestly didn’t find one I actually clicked well with was in Missouri.
I was diagnosed with a few things but the only diagnosis I believe to be entirely true is the depression, I was put on medication this was before puberty, the medication made me feel…for lack of a better word, like a zombie, how I compare it is in that movie Click starring adam sandler where he fast forwards too far in life and his body becomes emotionless. I struggled to have friends because whos going to be friends with someone with no personality? No one.
My parents divorced and we moved back to California eventually and decided to live with my dad, It was my junior year of high school in a new high school where I knew no one so I decided I would go cold turkey off all my medications, it changed my life.
Eventually my personality completely came and started flourishing I made several friends in my first few months, i was excelling at school and honestly had a great time in my last two years of high school. Fast forward to moving out of my parents and moving to a different city hours away from the web of security I had built for myself, I met an amazing life long friend and moved in with him where i would stay for two years. Slowly within a year the anxiety portion of my depression started creeping in and it started to affect to work at the time, so I continued to try and push the anxiety away and it felt like it would try even harder to invade my life, but instead someone else invaded my life and he made me completely happy and felt like the missing piece in my life was fulfilled, I found a job that paid more, I was in love, and life was perfect…for a short while.
Things started falling apart the person I thought I loved left me, I lost my job, and my depression was at an all time high, dark thoughts constantly clouded my mind and I really thought there was no hope, i let my finances fall and i fell behind on life in general, I knew I was at a breaking point and a feeling just told me to text my dad and now I live back with him and my family.
I still struggle everyday, and some days are far worse than others BUT…I am in a way better place than I was nine months ago, I’ve fallen back to my security web and that’s not a bad thing, in my personal experience it was a life saver, eventually I will leave the web again and I will be successful in whatever i choose to do because of the experiences that have led me to this point.
Finding your identity is a crucial point to life, and i have yet to find mine I don’t know what i want out of life but at least at this point I have the foundations and tools to forge whatever identity/future that I want to have.